This isn't an easy post to write... which is possibly why I have avoided posting anything for many months now. I have written and deleted or written and saved many entries that will never be read. I would have posted about the smaller things going on in our lives like the holidays or home projects but when the biggest thing in your life is so difficult, it makes it painful to post about anything else.
Infertility is such a terrible process that no one will understand unless they have been through the horror themselves. I didn't want to write about this publicly for exactly this reason. Blog posts are supposed to be happy and uplifting and have a positive ending, right? Well, I thought this until a few friends encouraged me to be raw, to be real, that it is not my responsibility to only write about the happy things in my life in order to support everyone else's idea about what my day-to-day is like. I have also learned so much about sharing struggles as a way to help others not feel so alone... So here I am, sharing our struggles and I hope that it will be met with open hearts.
As many of you know, Mike and I have been hoping to start a family for close to three years now. We have struggled to get pregnant and have gone through two very painful miscarriages. As of now we are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, an reproductive acupuncturist, a counselor, and a support group. I am taking lots of medications that make me feel (and look) absolutely terrible, I am on restrictions of caffeine, alcohol and certain exercises. I am taking concoctions of herbs and teas, getting ultrasounds multiple times a month and am trying to keep my stress levels low. Insurance does not cover infertility in most states and the cost of the medications and procedures can be astronomical especially considering that they are not even close to being guaranteed to work. Our particular insurance is better than most being that Mike's company is from Massachusetts and they are a more forward thinking state. They actually recognize infertility as a disease to be treated. But as it turns out, they don't consider me infertile enough due to my two (failed) pregnancies. Who wants to get pregnant if it doesn't actually result in a child? We are frustrated, tired and not sure how to hold on to the hope of ever having a family with the many roadblocks facing us at every turn.
So this is us right now... trying to hold on our marriage in the wake of an infertility hurricane and trying to put on a happy face and be stress-free within waves of disappointments, failed treatments and pregnancies of friends and family all around us. This post isn't uplifting but it is honest and will hopefully break the ice for me to share more about our process. Maybe someone who reads this has been in a similar place and can offer hope or maybe there will be someone just starting out that just needs an understanding ear... I don't really know what to expect from sharing this information. I am hoping that we don't get a lot of unsolicited advice about relaxing or adoption as these are more complicated processes than you can possibly imagine. We do not need any judgmental comments about fertility procedures as related to religion or morality either, believe me, we are more than aware of the MANY factors involved here... I guess what I am hoping for is compassion and understanding through this very difficult time.
