Enough is enough

How people are seriously ill and manage to get through life, I will never know. My body just does not want to heal from all the trauma in the past 2 months and complication after complication continues to arise... I have been trying to put on the face of "it will get better" and "trust in God's path for you". I really have. I feel like I have taken each set-back for what it is and have tried to stay positive... But when do you just say~ REALLY?!? And then I just add guilt to the list of symptoms because I do know that I am blessed and that there are plenty of people out there that struggle with illnesses and events in their lives that are much worse than what I have been going through. It is just hard to stay with your face to the light when the claws of pain and illness hold you in the dark. I have been trying to reach out to my spiritual side during this whole ordeal, to gain some perspective and strength through my faith. I truly believe that it has pulled me out of some very dark times... I just am not sure what this continued suffering is supposed to teach me? I had signed up for a retreat through my church on meditation and prayer as a means of physical and emotional healing and was really looking forward to it... but as has been the routine of my body, I was not well enough to attend. I have been in and out of the doctors office what feels like 100 times since January and I can not seem to find a place of peace. We had friends here visiting this past week which forced me to put on my "I feel fine" face and get out of the house... only to be sent back to the doctor after they left for pushing things too hard. The friend that was here is really into metaphysical science and wanted me to do a Tarot card reading with her. I don't really buy into the whole psychic thing but decided to go to please my company. Now although I know that what was said could generalized and applied to practically any gullible mind, what was said struck a chord with me. The cards pulled for me were ones of self abuse and blame, guilt, grief and literally being held down by "the dragons claws of sorrow".... The reading emphasized that I need to focus on the light in my life and not be brought down by my self blame and health hardships... that I am on the brink of a new adventure as long as I can break free of these claws of regret... There were other creepily accurate things but it made me think of what I am going through and how in the world I am supposed to make it to the other side without anger or deep regret. I am mentally ready for the acceptance portion of grief but my body will not allow it... how did those of you that have been through deep grief or physical struggles pull past it all and get to a place of health and peace? When you feel bad every day for 4 months, how do you pick yourself up and participate in life again? really... I am asking....