Sunday, March 27, 2011
Enough is enough
How people are seriously ill and manage to get through life, I will never know. My body just does not want to heal from all the trauma in the past 2 months and complication after complication continues to arise... I have been trying to put on the face of "it will get better" and "trust in God's path for you". I really have. I feel like I have taken each set-back for what it is and have tried to stay positive... But when do you just say~ REALLY?!? And then I just add guilt to the list of symptoms because I do know that I am blessed and that there are plenty of people out there that struggle with illnesses and events in their lives that are much worse than what I have been going through. It is just hard to stay with your face to the light when the claws of pain and illness hold you in the dark. I have been trying to reach out to my spiritual side during this whole ordeal, to gain some perspective and strength through my faith. I truly believe that it has pulled me out of some very dark times... I just am not sure what this continued suffering is supposed to teach me? I had signed up for a retreat through my church on meditation and prayer as a means of physical and emotional healing and was really looking forward to it... but as has been the routine of my body, I was not well enough to attend. I have been in and out of the doctors office what feels like 100 times since January and I can not seem to find a place of peace. We had friends here visiting this past week which forced me to put on my "I feel fine" face and get out of the house... only to be sent back to the doctor after they left for pushing things too hard. The friend that was here is really into metaphysical science and wanted me to do a Tarot card reading with her. I don't really buy into the whole psychic thing but decided to go to please my company. Now although I know that what was said could generalized and applied to practically any gullible mind, what was said struck a chord with me. The cards pulled for me were ones of self abuse and blame, guilt, grief and literally being held down by "the dragons claws of sorrow".... The reading emphasized that I need to focus on the light in my life and not be brought down by my self blame and health hardships... that I am on the brink of a new adventure as long as I can break free of these claws of regret... There were other creepily accurate things but it made me think of what I am going through and how in the world I am supposed to make it to the other side without anger or deep regret. I am mentally ready for the acceptance portion of grief but my body will not allow it... how did those of you that have been through deep grief or physical struggles pull past it all and get to a place of health and peace? When you feel bad every day for 4 months, how do you pick yourself up and participate in life again? really... I am asking....
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear about what a struggle the past few months have been for you. In terms of the tarot cards, I don't blame you for your doubts, but good for you for being open to it. Is it so impossible that sometimes God can use unconventional means to reach out to us and call our attention to things? Some people may say yes, but I don't happen to agree in all cases.
As for dealing with physical/emotional/spiritual pain, all of which I've been struggling with for the past months and in at least one case, a year, the only advice I can give that is worth anything would be to take one day at a time. Whenever I'm exhausted or uncomfortable and I begin to project it onto the future...bad news.
I'm also a huge believer in bibliotherapy. Reading the right books has definitely helped me through some tough times. Right now women's memoirs are right up my alley and have been really helpful. Any of Madeleine L'Engle's Crosswicks Journals or Maya Angelou's works have been helpful and soul-lifting for me. Right now I'm reading a collection of women's traveling essays/memoirs called "A Woman's Path" sometimes when I'm reading it I feel rescued.
Don't know if any of this was helpful, but I hope you feel some love and concern reaching out to you across the blogosphere. Be good to yourself and take one day at a time, my dear.
I wish I could tell you - my mom has fibromyalgia/anxiety and I often wonder how she does all that she does every day without complaint.
Struggling with depression and anxiety in addition to asthma and migraines, I have had bad days, weeks and sometimes months and I know you have too.
This is different because it is physical, emotional and spiritual for you - how do you move forward and break the cycle?
I wish I could tell you... I wish God would be more transparent in terms of what step we need to take to reach peace sooner, but sometimes we have to just follow Him out of the darkness, towards His light, in faith.
Just keep moving forward, and reaching out for help when you need it - just like you have here - and it will all come together in time.
And if you figure out the answer, let me know ;-)
I have experienced what it is like to not have your body working the way you think it should. During that time I felt really depressed. It is a hard thing to deal with. I was also forced to learn humility, endurance, empathy and just how strong I really was. It was a nightmare and it took about 4 months for me to feel normal again, but I did come out of it a better person. Sometimes we have to, "cross the bitter waters before we reach the sweet."
You are in my prayers. I know you will feel normal again someday and like Jen said, just take it one day at a time. The only other suggestion I have is to read a lot. It helped me escape from my world, even if just for a little while. I gained a lot of perspective that way too.
I love you.
Oh, Abby. I can not express how much I understand all the feelings you are having. Though our issues are two totally different ones, they have so many similarities. It is still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have to take a pill for the rest of my life to make my body work. And that I have to worry about any little bump in my body to make sure it's not something that might kill me. All I have to say is you have to have lots of patience with your self and your body. I am still working on the acceptance part of everything. It took me two years to get to where I am today and still have a long ways ways to go. I can not tell you how much therapy played a roll in my healing process. I know there is a social stigma to going to therapy but I don't know where I'd be today with out it.
My friends mom has a blog where she talks a lot about her religion and the role it plays in the struggles she's had after her daughter suffered from a devastating stroke. I love how real she is about all her feelings and find it very inspiring.
http://www.margeryraveson.com/
All my love,
Elizabeth
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