Growing a family. One year later

Yesterday marks the anniversary of a pretty dark day for us. As I look back on the events of one year ago, I have sad feelings and tender feelings, bitter feelings and even grateful feelings. It is interesting all the directions your mind can go when navigating something so deep and personal. Ultimately I have decided that I am not sorry we went through it, I wouldn't take it back or wish that it never happened to us. I think that it has made us a stronger couple and it has truly helped me realize that women need to speak up and support one another. Miscarriage is such a taboo word around women my age that are in that baby-making mode. It's like if they say it out loud, it might happen to them, or happen to them again. Through my experience I realized that women that have gone through such heartbreak are aching to connect with others, to know that they aren't alone and that their story isn't hopeless. As difficult as it is to share the details of such personal loss, I have found that people can come out of the woodwork with their own stories of grief and then stories of hope and happiness again. That needs to happen more often. Why are we so reluctant to talk about these things? Women see this as a failure. A friend of mine recently said that she just wants to be able to do the most natural thing that God made us for, to reproduce. It feels like we are not complete women, that in a different time without science and adoption, our dreams of motherhood would be lost. I am not sure if it is competition between us or shame of the "failure" that keeps us from reaching out to one another but I wish it were something that we would just get over already. The more we share those "failures", the less alone we are. My very best friend from high school called me as soon as she heard what had happened and I can not tell you how sweet her voice was to me. She had experienced multiple miscarriages in between her first and second child and just the fact that she could relate to my pain and knew immediately how much her words would carry me will always stay with me in the most cherished part of my heart. So where are we now in the whole scheme of things? I can not tell you how often I am asked, "So when are you guys going to try again?" or "Did you guys give up?" Seriously people? These are some of the most insensitive comments to a woman who lost a child and is not having success getting pregnant again. Now that it has been a year it is like it makes people uncomfortable that I am not pregnant yet. Like the pain that was just mine and could be kept on the inside where no one else had to look at it is now being worn on my clothing like a scarlet letter. You know how when people are uncomfortable they will inevitably try to ease the discomfort by offering advice? ugh. "Just relax". That is the best one. Thank you so much for telling me to do that. Before I was trying really hard to be stressed about it all and each month when I'm not pregnant just makes me more and more relaxed... so thank you for pointing that out. Really. Also, I think it is a scientific fact that when you have one woman trying and "failing" to get pregnant, five of her friends or family members will get pregnant by accident and then complain about the pregnancy/ child to said "failing" woman. I promise you, it is a fact. Although the above sounds cynical, Mike and I are trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole process. What else can you really do when you are going in for fertility testing and tracking your cycles like they are the newest trend? It's all very bizarre and so we are trying to keep it light and remember the positive things. Like... nothing is technically wrong with us (fertility stuff keeps coming back happy), we have more time to spend together, we might be able to take that vacation we keep talking about, we still get to sleep and have a glass of wine. But most of all we have learned that when we do become parents either naturally, through IVF or through adoption, we will be so grateful and have a deeper appreciation for what took so long and was so painful. I truly believe that this has taught me patience, how much I want to be a mother, how to reach out to others and that I am not in control, that I MUST give my worries over to and trust God. In the mean-time... I will just keep adopting puppies. :o)