heartbreak

"Every human life is a story told by God"....

This story I thought would be exciting and full of life, a new story to add to our family chronicle and one that would be full of laughter and so much love. But God's stories aren't always long, they aren't always joyful from beginning to end and most importantly, no matter how much we wish it so, aren't written by us.

In December Mike and I found out that we are pregnant. We were all the things first timers should be- scared, excited, nervous, HAPPY. We have known we wanted to be parents for awhile now and were just waiting for God to decide we were ready. I didn't want to tell many people. It felt like this private keepsake just for us that I wanted to protect from the whole world for as long as I could. Over Christmas we told our parents and siblings but that was it.
School presented many obstacles because I (of course) tested in the 5% of people that have no immunity to some of the diseases that my students carry. These diseases are life threatening to a fetus and at can cause many physical and mental challenges for them. I had to change everything about the way that I do my job which was heartbreaking. I love my students and it was a strange concept to put my own needs (well rather, the baby's needs) before theirs. I changed everything around me and for once, was kind to my body and was allowed to be sleepy, hungry or sick. It felt happy to focus on this little life and doing the best things I could for it...
We went in for our 10 week check up and to hear the heart beat for the first time. Only, there wasn't one... there wasn't even a baby even though we had seen one two weeks before. I don't even remember the conversation between the doctor and us.... something about blighted ovum, something about not sure why and something something miscarriage... I felt like the world just ripped out from under me. My naive bliss came crashing in as I realized that the next 9 months I had already planted in my heart was now just gone... how could it just be gone? I still felt pregnant, my belly pokes out just a little, I am sore and nauseous and tired... why doesn't my body know there is nothing there?
The doctor wasn't sure why my body wasn't responding but sent us home to wait a week, A WEEK! to see if my body would recognize it and start the process... and if not, we would schedule another ultrasound and a D&C. We grieved our little baby... I stayed home from work and my mom came to be with us. We read about blighted ovums and understood that it meant that the baby had just simply stopped developing after the last ultrasound and that my body may have absorbed it. After the longest and most painful week of my life, my body still didn't get the message and so we went in for the ultrasound.... and there on the screen WAS A BABY! clear as day... and I thought I might fall off the table. Where was it last week? In place of a gaping black hole there was a baby with a head and a body... and a heartbeat...
As I really looked at the heartbeat however, I knew that something was wrong. It was extremely slow and labored. The poor little thing looked like it was just struggling so hard at each pump. A normal fetal heart rate can range from about 100 (low) to 160 or so. Our little fighter was reading at 49... very bad. The doctor explained that anything below 100 is very worrisome. Anything below 70 is 100% fetal demise... demise... So all of the grief and all of the shock came in waves all over again, the tiny bit of hope dangled in front of us with the caveat that we had to give it back....
Strangely, I found some peace during the ultrasound. I felt GRATEFUL... ? I had already come to terms that the baby was gone and now I got to see it, to see it alive and with a heart beat, probably for the last time. I got a picture to hold next to my heart and remind me that it was real.
This was last Wednesday. We are still waiting. We will go back in again this Wed. for another ultrasound to see if the heart has stopped...
I am heartbroken, empty inside. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I am at peace. I know that God has a plan and that I must trust that he will watch over me and hold me and that I will hold this little one when I go home to my Father...
But how do you go back to life? How do I just pretend that my life didn't change? How do I make it through Aug. withOUT a baby? I am not sure of anything right now but grief.

All Things Holiday....

This has been a fun holiday season for Mike and I as this is the first one in our own house, doing all the things we have always looked forward to doing as a family. We opted to do Thanksgiving by ourselves this year given my short time off of work and the lovely (very snowy) Colorado weather. We wanted a time to just be together, hone our cooking skills before the whole gang gets here for Christmas and to reflect on how truly thankful we are to have one another during this season. Last year was such a hard holiday season and we wanted to spend some time being grateful for one more year together and praying for our family members that were lost just one year ago. This time of year will forever be tender in my heart...
Thanksgiving was wonderful and my food turned out really well! I was so excited to have things really taste good as I am still learning how to cook from scratch and make things as natural as possible. The rosemary turkey with bay leaf and onion was amazing and I will do it again for Christmas and my (not so natural but very tasty and easy) pumpkin pie cheesecake was delicious.
I am a big advocate for NOT starting the Christmas celebrations until after Thanksgiving is OVER! I love Turkey Day so much and a lot of its thunder is stolen by premature Christmas celebrations. That being said, once Thanksgiving is done, I am in full speed Christmas mode. I have been wanting the Willow Tree nativity set for a few years now. I love its simplicity and humble stillness that I think is exactly what the nativity represents. Mike surprised me by getting me the basic set as we were out shopping as a way to build on it each year. It is my favorite thing in our home and it takes center stage on our mantle. We had a lovely weekend just shopping, cooking, laughing and decorating... I am so lucky to have someone I love so much and have so much fun with. We also wanted to continue our tradition of going out to cut down our own tree. As we didn't really celebrate the holidays last year, this was our first opportunity to do it here in CO... hahaha what a difference! Colorado tree farms are just someone's land that you walk out and see if you can find a bush that somewhat resembles a tree. It was hilarious! We finally gave in and went to a nursery for ours and it turned out beautifully. Mike worked extremely hard putting up our outside lights this year and I am really proud of him as they turned out really well! So here are the pictures of our holiday adventures- we have had a few really lovely weekends together getting our cute little house in the Christmas spirit. Happy Holidays everyone!

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Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...... WEEK

So, if you are having an extra happy, super positive kind of week, warning, you may want to stop reading now because I am not and I would hate to spoil anyone else's mood....
That being said... THIS HAS BEEN A TERRIBLE WEEK. I know that it is only Wednesday but I am kinda counting the end of last week, the weekend and the beginning of this week as a cumulative "one week". I don't always like to vent on the blog because I feel that it is just a snapshot of my life and I hate for it to be negative or for people to see me as a generally unhappy person... because I am not. But in the interest of being genuinely true to what the "snapshot" of this shotty week might look like, this is just plain HONEST. My job is hard. You all know this. No need to drag you through last year to understand the workload. This year is better, I have a boss that listens and backs me. Even though I know no job is perfect... I am frustrated with the lack of ambition, accountability and work ethic that people can have. Maybe I was raised in a family that had an unspoken rule of responsibility, elbow grease and no whining.... but I am not sure what happened to people that just expect to do less because someone else will ultimately do it for them.... and we DO! Those of us that have a need to see the job get done, get it done. I have a couple of workers that are my aids in the classroom that are the laziest, cockiest and rudest people I may have ever come in contact with. I don't know if I would ever have the guts to challenge my boss in an unprofessional way, lie about work I have done and show up late every day without apology. I am not great at staff management as I really hate politics and confrontation but I had to go head-to-head with these two this week to ask them to just simply do their jobs. As a result, they both quit- in a "stomp my feet, roll my eyes, Im 17" way. I am actually relieved to have them gone but now have to go through the process of interviewing and training someone new. Now, the rest of the week has been horrible because I have this stomach bug that just wont kick and on my ONE outing out of the house to deliver PROMISED treats to my college class (aka accountability) I got pulled over, given my very FIRST TICKET EVER and now have to appear in court... super....
Coming away from this week I hope that I instill in my own children someday the character and accountability to finish the jobs you start, admit the mistakes you make, respect the people with more experience and work hard to get where you want to be by SHOWING them how valuable you are... never telling them.
Humility, tenacity and tact..... where has it gone??

But since I just complained for too long.... here are some things to be thankful for this terrible week
The school that I work in for backing me
my lovely husband for taking care of a very sick me
my family that made me take responsibility for myself even when it was embarrassing or hard

stump growing

This past weekend I was lucky enough to be able to get out of town with my favorite girls on the planet! My girlfriends from Boston had planned a girls weekend in Chicago and up until a few weeks ago, I didn't think that Mike and I could afford for me to go. However, with a little creativity and frequent flier miles, I scored a FREE ticket!! The trip was incredibly fast for me as I have no flexibility for days off. I flew into Chicago late Friday night and back Sunday morning... wheew- quite the whirlwind... but I am so glad that I had the opportunity to reconnect with these women. All 5 of us work in Deaf education and work(ed) at the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Boston. These small things give us a lot in common and A LOT of very funny stories. It was great to be around people that already know me since I spend so much time here in Colorado trying to help people get to know me. These girls make me laugh, they support me but know when to tell me that I am being ridiculous and best of all, they fill up my emotional "bucket". All day long, all year long we give back to our students, our school, our peers and our families... we give and we give until sometimes we feel positively empty inside. It is nice to be around others that fill us up, that remind us of our humanity and who will actually TELL us why we are great and appreciated.
We ended up having a discussion about the book "The Giving Tree" and how each of us loved that book as kids.... then we started talking about the message that particular book expresses. Keep in mind that this was all (mostly) in fun as we laughed at ourselves, but we thought about how the tree gives and gives to the boy who keeps taking and taking. The tree literally gives up its whole self because she loved the boy so... and ends up being a stump. Even in the state that the stump is, when the boy needs more the stump gives him all she can by offering him a place to sit. Now, while this a great message of unconditional love and maybe the kind of love that only God or a parent can give... it started to bother us. We all LOVED this book but what kind of a message does this send? Give and give until you have nothing left and then give some more? I am all for unconditional love but there is a lot to say for a friend that loves us back, who fills us up, who helps us re-grow our stumps. I am thankful for these people in my life. Laughing so hard that you cry is the BEST fertilizer.
Who re-grows your stumps?? :o)

My girlies!

Bree and Eric finally were able to make it here for a visit!! Bree had only come once before since we moved here last Aug. but it was during the coldest week on record last December for Jonathan's funeral. I think she thought that this was the coldest place on Earth and it wasn't very convincing to get her to come back. Thankfully we have had a beautiful fall season and so the girls were able to come and experience some cooler weather, leaves changing and fall activities. I go and visit my sister all the time but having their whole family come to my house was a whole new experience. Mike and I are set in our ways, we keep the house just so, we have TV that we watch regularly and we are used to going to bed and waking up on our time table. For a couple that is considering getting into the "kid" game soon, we were pretty floored at the energy and lack of control there was when these three tornadoes got here. How do you handle basically just following little people around, making sure they aren't
1. writing on your walls with marker (which we failed at)
2. finding every dangerous thing that you never knew was dangerous until it is in their mouth or they are running away with it
3. The real and present danger of STAIRS EVERYWHERE IN MY HOME
4. And the fact that rugs under dining tables and play-dough on brand new upholstered chairs do NOT mix

I teach kids all day, every day. I understand the energy that it takes to keep them occupied and I change more diapers than anyone I know.... but doing that when you get home too?? How will I EVER adjust/survive/sleep/have a house that doesn't look like an episode of hoarders???

We had a fabulous time and I love my girlies more than anything... we went to the Cave of the Winds (which we got kicked out halfway through because of the screaming baby). We went to the zoo and the water park and carved pumpkins... so much fun and I am so totally exhausted...
:o)

Pigtails on the Run

My (second) cousin Gracie is 3 years old and has Downs. Last weekend the fam came together to support her and the association here that supports families who have children with Downs. We got t-shirts for our team "pigtails on the run" and went as a large group to the Rockies/Giants game and then onto the walk the next day. It was a great time of family togetherness and supporting our special little gal. I couldn't help but think of the sadness that surrounded us when we found out that Gracie had downs during Megan's pregnancy... and now to have this sweet, smart, special little soul teaching us all about acceptance, triumph and love through anything reminds me that God knows what is best for us. We all have lessons to learn in life and this is one that will always remind me that just when you think you can't, your toughest challenges become your most treasured memories. Thank you miss Gracie for teaching us all that we don't even know how much love and strength we have, only God knows that. Love you Gracie Girl!!

and into fall...

I get progressively worse at posting blogs once I start the school year. This probably has something to do with the 10 children and many needy staff members that my time is devoted to. However.... I am THRILLED to say that I have made it through an entire month and a half without major incident, panic attack, migraine or illness. For those of you who know me well, this is a feat beyond measure. I was so worried that school would steal away my sense of peace found over the summer... and it has in the sense that I have IEPs, parent meetings, screaming kids and lots of poopy diapers... but I feel that I have the ability to detach at the end of the day, come home and feel content. What a blessing this on my life and mike's life. We got to go to Boston last weekend and celebrate our good friends Marty and Jamie's wedding and for the first time in 5 years I was able to let go of the work I was missing and just be present in their special time.



I credit this new-found control to a few different things... almost losing my mind last year and committing to protecting myself from that, my lovely family and friends for saying (over and over and over) that what I do is good enough and I need to save some of myself for my home life too, and to a renewed relationship with God... not that it actually went away but it is true what they say about not being able to have two masters. I allowed my job to master ME last year instead of doing my job through serving God. I am working on remedying this now and trying to refocus my everything. Thanks to all of you that offered me kind, supportive words and believed that I was better than I thought I was.
Yay for Fall, beautiful weather and a peaceful spirit.