heartbreak

"Every human life is a story told by God"....

This story I thought would be exciting and full of life, a new story to add to our family chronicle and one that would be full of laughter and so much love. But God's stories aren't always long, they aren't always joyful from beginning to end and most importantly, no matter how much we wish it so, aren't written by us.

In December Mike and I found out that we are pregnant. We were all the things first timers should be- scared, excited, nervous, HAPPY. We have known we wanted to be parents for awhile now and were just waiting for God to decide we were ready. I didn't want to tell many people. It felt like this private keepsake just for us that I wanted to protect from the whole world for as long as I could. Over Christmas we told our parents and siblings but that was it.
School presented many obstacles because I (of course) tested in the 5% of people that have no immunity to some of the diseases that my students carry. These diseases are life threatening to a fetus and at can cause many physical and mental challenges for them. I had to change everything about the way that I do my job which was heartbreaking. I love my students and it was a strange concept to put my own needs (well rather, the baby's needs) before theirs. I changed everything around me and for once, was kind to my body and was allowed to be sleepy, hungry or sick. It felt happy to focus on this little life and doing the best things I could for it...
We went in for our 10 week check up and to hear the heart beat for the first time. Only, there wasn't one... there wasn't even a baby even though we had seen one two weeks before. I don't even remember the conversation between the doctor and us.... something about blighted ovum, something about not sure why and something something miscarriage... I felt like the world just ripped out from under me. My naive bliss came crashing in as I realized that the next 9 months I had already planted in my heart was now just gone... how could it just be gone? I still felt pregnant, my belly pokes out just a little, I am sore and nauseous and tired... why doesn't my body know there is nothing there?
The doctor wasn't sure why my body wasn't responding but sent us home to wait a week, A WEEK! to see if my body would recognize it and start the process... and if not, we would schedule another ultrasound and a D&C. We grieved our little baby... I stayed home from work and my mom came to be with us. We read about blighted ovums and understood that it meant that the baby had just simply stopped developing after the last ultrasound and that my body may have absorbed it. After the longest and most painful week of my life, my body still didn't get the message and so we went in for the ultrasound.... and there on the screen WAS A BABY! clear as day... and I thought I might fall off the table. Where was it last week? In place of a gaping black hole there was a baby with a head and a body... and a heartbeat...
As I really looked at the heartbeat however, I knew that something was wrong. It was extremely slow and labored. The poor little thing looked like it was just struggling so hard at each pump. A normal fetal heart rate can range from about 100 (low) to 160 or so. Our little fighter was reading at 49... very bad. The doctor explained that anything below 100 is very worrisome. Anything below 70 is 100% fetal demise... demise... So all of the grief and all of the shock came in waves all over again, the tiny bit of hope dangled in front of us with the caveat that we had to give it back....
Strangely, I found some peace during the ultrasound. I felt GRATEFUL... ? I had already come to terms that the baby was gone and now I got to see it, to see it alive and with a heart beat, probably for the last time. I got a picture to hold next to my heart and remind me that it was real.
This was last Wednesday. We are still waiting. We will go back in again this Wed. for another ultrasound to see if the heart has stopped...
I am heartbroken, empty inside. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I am at peace. I know that God has a plan and that I must trust that he will watch over me and hold me and that I will hold this little one when I go home to my Father...
But how do you go back to life? How do I just pretend that my life didn't change? How do I make it through Aug. withOUT a baby? I am not sure of anything right now but grief.