Natural cleaning

As we wait for our family to begin, we have been choosing much healthier options for our cooking and cleaning routines. We don't think that anything we are doing in our lives is PROBABLY contributing to our infertility but just on the off chance that it was... we are making some shifts.
We have always cooked healthily, always. We grow our own vegetables in the summer, we use whole grain EVERYTHING, we eat lots of veggies and low-fat dairy. We cook from scratch 5-6 days a week (we go out for a date night every week). So we weren't sure what changes could really benefit us. We looked into dairy-free, gluten-free, all organic, etc. and decided to make some lifestyle shifts.... to be discussed at another time.
One of the big shifts we have made is what we are using around the house. As it is the end of April and our garden is up and running, we decided this year to go completely organic with our soil and fertilizer. We did this mostly last year but couldn't resist the temptation of Miracle-Gro in the beginning. We have also switched to totally organic fertilizer and compost for the lawn (we will see how this goes in mid- July when we have weeds up the wazoo). We also decided to nix many of our home cleaners as I felt it wasn't safe for me to be breathing the fumes while trying to get pregnant. Now, here's a little tip that you probably never knew about me.... I have OCD tendencies... but they are only focused on certain things. I am not super clean around the house as my EXCELLENT house wife of a husband will tell you. You could follow the trail of what I did when I arrived home by the evidence of school bags, shoes, coats etc. And if you lived with me, you might think we had a poltergeist by the way I open every drawer and cabinet and then leave the room. Buuuuut, I do have certain things that I am borderline control-freak over. School is one of them... and BATHROOMS are the other. I have had a very certain way that I clean the bathroom since I was young. In fact, when I was about 10 I typed up instructions on how to clean the bathroom and taped them on the inside of the cabinets so that when it wasn't my turn, it would still be done right. Yikes. Needless to say, Mike doesn't even attempt this chore.
Ok, so the changes... I like a REALLY clean bathroom and so giving up my harsh stuff was tough but essential oils are one of the things that have made bathroom cleaning so much better! I love doTerra oils' On Guard cleaning concentrate. It smells awesome and has great disinfectant, anti-microbial properties. I know this for sure because we struggle with mildew in our shower and this spray once a week has drastically decreased it. I also use a daily shower spray with a mixture of half vinegar and water with a teaspoon of tea tree oil and a teaspoon of eucalyptus. This is used after each shower and keeps it smelling and looking clean until the weekend. The other AWESOME tip that has cut my cleaning in half is the use of what I call a dish "scrubby". It is the sponge thing that you put soap in to wash dishes. I bought one and filled it half with dawn dish soap and half vinegar and keep it in the shower. This RULES for cleaning the shower, bath and sinks. I spray the On Guard spray, let it sit and then scrub everything with the scrubby and then rinse/wipe down. This leaves everything sparkling, yay! Another great tip I got (all of these ideas from pinterest) was to put the toilet lid down on the toilet brush after using it to let it drain. This helps you not have that nasty toilet water in the bottom of your brush holder. Did I say I was OCD?

Ok, last thing. Cleaning your mattress!! This has always annoyed me as I am a weekly sheet washer... what about the mattress? Well, I have started using a mixture of baking soda and lavender oil in a mason jar. I poked holes in the lid with a nail, mix up the soda and oil and spread it on my mattress while washing sheets. then vacuum it up before putting them back on. This makes the mattress smell wonderful and apparently kills dust mites and other gross stuff. YAY FOR A CLEAN BED AND BATH...

So there is a glimpse into our weekly cleaning routine and a little insight into my OCD. :) Have a great week!

Infertility

This isn't an easy post to write... which is possibly why I have avoided posting anything for many months now. I have written and deleted or written and saved many entries that will never be read. I would have posted about the smaller things going on in our lives like the holidays or home projects but when the biggest thing in your life is so difficult, it makes it painful to post about anything else.
Infertility is such a terrible process that no one will understand unless they have been through the horror themselves. I didn't want to write about this publicly for exactly this reason. Blog posts are supposed to be happy and uplifting and have a positive ending, right? Well, I thought this until a few friends encouraged me to be raw, to be real, that it is not my responsibility to only write about the happy things in my life in order to support everyone else's idea about what my day-to-day is like. I have also learned so much about sharing struggles as a way to help others not feel so alone... So here I am, sharing our struggles and I hope that it will be met with open hearts.
As many of you know, Mike and I have been hoping to start a family for close to three years now. We have struggled to get pregnant and have gone through two very painful miscarriages. As of now we are seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, an reproductive acupuncturist, a counselor, and a support group. I am taking lots of medications that make me feel (and look) absolutely terrible, I am on restrictions of caffeine, alcohol and certain exercises. I am taking concoctions of herbs and teas, getting ultrasounds multiple times a month and am trying to keep my stress levels low. Insurance does not cover infertility in most states and the cost of the medications and procedures can be astronomical especially considering that they are not even close to being guaranteed to work. Our particular insurance is better than most being that Mike's company is from Massachusetts and they are a more forward thinking state. They actually recognize infertility as a disease to be treated. But as it turns out, they don't consider me infertile enough due to my two (failed) pregnancies. Who wants to get pregnant if it doesn't actually result in a child? We are frustrated, tired and not sure how to hold on to the hope of ever having a family with the many roadblocks facing us at every turn.
So this is us right now... trying to hold on our marriage in the wake of an infertility hurricane and trying to put on a happy face and be stress-free within waves of disappointments, failed treatments and pregnancies of friends and family all around us. This post isn't uplifting but it is honest and will hopefully break the ice for me to share more about our process. Maybe someone who reads this has been in a similar place and can offer hope or maybe there will be someone just starting out that just needs an understanding ear... I don't really know what to expect from sharing this information. I am hoping that we don't get a lot of unsolicited advice about relaxing or adoption as these are more complicated processes than you can possibly imagine. We do not need any judgmental comments about fertility procedures as related to religion or morality either, believe me, we are more than aware of the MANY factors involved here... I guess what I am hoping for is compassion and understanding through this very difficult time.

Summer Sun Tea

One of my favorite things about summer is the iced tea!! I crave it when the weather is hot and it reminds me of when I was little and my mom would always have a jar of sun tea sitting on the wall in our back yard. Having cold iced tea always available in the fridge as an alternative to water is one of the things that simply makes the summer for me (not to mention I am not the biggest water fan and if I can encourage myself to drink more liquids in some form, that is a plus!) A few summers ago on our visit to Lake Powell my mom had made the most AWESOME sun tea and I have been making it every summer since. I do not like my tea really sweet but sometimes just plain iced tea needs a pick-me-up. I am also trying to get swimsuit ready and do not need the added calories of honey or sugar (I am very against artificial sweeteners and refuse to use them in anything but gum). So here is the awesome concoction that I came up with for my tea with a sweet twist. I have a pitcher from Pampered Chef that I LOVE and it is perfect for this function. Fill it with hot water (makes the process faster) and just put in approximately 5 bags of green tea (caffeinated or not) with 2-3 (depending on how sweet you like it) bags of Good Earth's Sweet and Spicy Herbal Tea which is naturally caffeine free. Let it steep in the hot sunshine for a few hours and then put in the refrigerator immediately. Apparently there is some controversy over how safe it is to leave the tea out for a few hours because it can grow bacteria but growing up we never had a problem and so my motto is just to make sure to put it in the fridge immediately from the hot sun. In AZ or CO the tea makes pretty fast because the sun is so intense (probably why the bacteria isn't really an issue). This tea comes out refreshing and slightly sweet without adding ANY sweeteners and I LOVE IT. Try it out and let me know what you think :o) {from the pampered chef site} {from the TAZO website} {From the Good Earth webiste}

growing a garden

The garden is finally in! After months of taking care of the little seedlets in the basement then moving them outside to get them heartier we finally planted them in the grow box! Mike never ceases to amaze me with the little hidden talents that he has. We went back and forth about what kind of grow box we should have, I of course wanted the hardest, most expensive kind and he (as always) was the practical one. We ended up going with his decision with the caveat that we could always make it more glamourous in the coming years if this was something we were successful at. But Mike just whipped out this ability to build a grow box... just like that. He just picked out the wood, came home and bam- GROW BOX in like 1/2 an hour flat... shocking talent :-) I love me some handyman-ness. The successful part is the big question mark at this point because once we planted all my little green babies outside they suddenly looked like the tiniest plants anyone ever put in a garden... So who knows if they will really grow/thrive/produce vegetables... maybe next year we will go with already established plants... maybe we will decide that the farmer's market is cheaper and easier... who knows but at least we gave it a go right? Here's hoping for some awesome peppers and onions so that I can truly call it a SALSA GARDEN.

The sad plot

babies ready to move on up

skillzzzzz

looking good

salsa garden!! Can you even see the plants?!? lol

Spring time!

I love spring. It makes me happy. I feel like there is just so much more time to get things done and to enjoy being outside. Winter makes me grumpy and dreary and I am just really enjoying the sunshine and the fact that SUMMER is getting closer. After a long winter I always feel the need to freshen things up a bit and this year we did that in the bedroom with a new duvet (why did I never knew how much more awesome duvets and duvet covers were than comforters?? I love this thing!) and curtains from IKEA.... ok now, I might be REALLY behind on this excitement but I had never gone to IKEA before a few weeks ago. I thought of it as cheaply made furniture and crowded parking lots... ok so this is still true but HELLO, I loved some of their choices for decor! The fact that it was cheap didn't hurt either. Hooray for thrifty cuteness to brighten things up in April. ;) We are also (still) trying to figure out our furniture arrangements and have moved the entire house around trying to see the best fit... Now, what was our living room is sort of a computer/sitting room that I am not sure that I love but we decided it needed some tables. I thought it would be NO PROBLEM to get some old tables at the Salvation Army, sand and re-stain them and VIOALA, new living room furniture... Not so easy my friends.... three weeks later and I am still sanding and staining ONE stinking side table... I will post pictures when I feel that I have made enough progress to have something to show for it. We are also planting a salsa garden this summer (yaaaaay) so I have been growing peppers, onions, jalapeños and cilantro in my basement with my brand new grow-room, courtesy of Mike and his dad! We will be building grow boxes out back to transplant everything when Colorado stops snowing randomly. So that's that, new plants, new duvet love, new projects.... must be spring!

Growing a family. One year later

Yesterday marks the anniversary of a pretty dark day for us. As I look back on the events of one year ago, I have sad feelings and tender feelings, bitter feelings and even grateful feelings. It is interesting all the directions your mind can go when navigating something so deep and personal. Ultimately I have decided that I am not sorry we went through it, I wouldn't take it back or wish that it never happened to us. I think that it has made us a stronger couple and it has truly helped me realize that women need to speak up and support one another. Miscarriage is such a taboo word around women my age that are in that baby-making mode. It's like if they say it out loud, it might happen to them, or happen to them again. Through my experience I realized that women that have gone through such heartbreak are aching to connect with others, to know that they aren't alone and that their story isn't hopeless. As difficult as it is to share the details of such personal loss, I have found that people can come out of the woodwork with their own stories of grief and then stories of hope and happiness again. That needs to happen more often. Why are we so reluctant to talk about these things? Women see this as a failure. A friend of mine recently said that she just wants to be able to do the most natural thing that God made us for, to reproduce. It feels like we are not complete women, that in a different time without science and adoption, our dreams of motherhood would be lost. I am not sure if it is competition between us or shame of the "failure" that keeps us from reaching out to one another but I wish it were something that we would just get over already. The more we share those "failures", the less alone we are. My very best friend from high school called me as soon as she heard what had happened and I can not tell you how sweet her voice was to me. She had experienced multiple miscarriages in between her first and second child and just the fact that she could relate to my pain and knew immediately how much her words would carry me will always stay with me in the most cherished part of my heart. So where are we now in the whole scheme of things? I can not tell you how often I am asked, "So when are you guys going to try again?" or "Did you guys give up?" Seriously people? These are some of the most insensitive comments to a woman who lost a child and is not having success getting pregnant again. Now that it has been a year it is like it makes people uncomfortable that I am not pregnant yet. Like the pain that was just mine and could be kept on the inside where no one else had to look at it is now being worn on my clothing like a scarlet letter. You know how when people are uncomfortable they will inevitably try to ease the discomfort by offering advice? ugh. "Just relax". That is the best one. Thank you so much for telling me to do that. Before I was trying really hard to be stressed about it all and each month when I'm not pregnant just makes me more and more relaxed... so thank you for pointing that out. Really. Also, I think it is a scientific fact that when you have one woman trying and "failing" to get pregnant, five of her friends or family members will get pregnant by accident and then complain about the pregnancy/ child to said "failing" woman. I promise you, it is a fact. Although the above sounds cynical, Mike and I are trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole process. What else can you really do when you are going in for fertility testing and tracking your cycles like they are the newest trend? It's all very bizarre and so we are trying to keep it light and remember the positive things. Like... nothing is technically wrong with us (fertility stuff keeps coming back happy), we have more time to spend together, we might be able to take that vacation we keep talking about, we still get to sleep and have a glass of wine. But most of all we have learned that when we do become parents either naturally, through IVF or through adoption, we will be so grateful and have a deeper appreciation for what took so long and was so painful. I truly believe that this has taught me patience, how much I want to be a mother, how to reach out to others and that I am not in control, that I MUST give my worries over to and trust God. In the mean-time... I will just keep adopting puppies. :o)

well hello

Wow, I am terrible at this blogging thing. I guess that I just never feel that the trivial things that are going on in my life are worth sitting down at our computer to share with the one or two people that might actually read it. Well maybe that number is 0 now that I have have been an absentee writer for 6 months. Oh well, on with it. Instead of yada yada yada about what has happened in the last few months ( you know the drill anyway... school, stress, work, meetings, school, children etc.) I will just pick up as if I had been dutifully writing all along. We are gearing up for the Christmas season. Our house is looking festive. I absolutely love the holiday season for so many reasons, but putting up the decorations makes our pretty home that much warmer. We don't have enough furniture yet to fill up all of the corners of our house and the front room (that used to be formal dining room/ sitting room) is just sad and empty. My mom came for Thanksgiving and we bought the cutest accent table in a completely irrational color that I love. She also helped me break out of my creative stalemate and move our limited furniture in a way that breaks up the room a little better. Don't you love how moms do that? Now we have a cute little sitting area by the fire that is separate from the TV area along with the Christmas tree and it almost feels like an actual room. We also spruced up the upstairs bathroom which is another irrational move because that bathroom gets used about twice a year when we have enough guests that the guest bath is in use and we have to set up another bed in the empty rooms upstairs.... However, the bath turned out so cute that I want to force my guests to use that one instead of the guest bath downstairs :o) I am in love with gray and thought that this out-of-the-way bathroom would be a good place to experiment and now I am wanting to paint all of my walls in this cool, soothing color. We collected shells while in Provincetown on Cape Cod this summer. I had THE most amazing time on the Cape with my best friends and I decided I wanted to capture the feeling of perpetual peace and freedom by creating a beach bathroom. Now, if you have ever been to New England, their beaches are not the aqua blues and bright sunny yellows of California. New England beaches are misty and grey, lighthouses and lobster traps. I tried to capture some of that melancholic coloring but then accented it with a fresh lime green. I am very happy with how it turned out. So even though this blog is about furniture and paint it is my "just jump back in and type" moment so bear with me and I work off the rust.

love the color it adds to the room

my quiet little sitting room away from the football game :o)

sea stars make me smile

just be free!

this makes me take a deep breath...

I LOVE sea turtles... this little guy needs to be turned to the side.

My inspiration shells from {special place in my heart} the Cape

the this and that of summer

Wow... it has been quite a while since I last posted on here.... We have been busy the past few months and I just now feel like I am settling into the summer routine that I know and love! I finished up my second year at CSDB much happier than the previous year. I feel like I was able to settle into my position and truly TEACH this year, which was awesome. I sent 6 little graduates on up to kinder, including my Deaf/Blind child that I have learned so much from the past few years. I am sad to see them all go but am ready for the challenges that await me next year. My health issues are still knocking at my door here and there... but they seem to be subsiding and my body appears to be resembling its old self. I guess when monumental things happen to you, you can't expect them to return to normal overnight... patience has been key. I have been working off of the mantra "I am doing the best I can do for TODAY". As simple as this statement sounds, it has been very helpful in getting me through the day to day. The days I feel tired or grumpy, the days that pose more challenges than I expected and mostly for the days that *gasp* didn't go exactly as I had planned. Some days I am able to do more than others, and for the "others", well I just repeat that mantra and try to excuse myself for not being super-human. I am trying to let go of the control that I (ridiculously) try to hold onto in my life's path... I know in my rational brain that in reality, I have no control and simply need to roll with Gods punches... or small taps. Being someone who is prone to anal perfectionism, this is horribly difficult... and therefor, probably exactly why this challenge is present in my life. I need to learn to let go... seriously. Any tips on taking on life with this attitude and grace, please advise this overbearing and overly wired brain...
Otherwise we are just busy with family, family and MORE FAMILY! We went to Phoenix to visit the crazy that is my sisters family, to Page because that is required of summertime and then Mike's family came to help us re-sod and spruce up the yard. Summer is just getting started and already we are trying to pack every ounce of functionality and fun into it... can't complain about that.
So here's to a great season of letting go, loosening up and returning to my place of sanity. Applications for mentor/life coach are now being accepted :o)

Enough is enough

How people are seriously ill and manage to get through life, I will never know. My body just does not want to heal from all the trauma in the past 2 months and complication after complication continues to arise... I have been trying to put on the face of "it will get better" and "trust in God's path for you". I really have. I feel like I have taken each set-back for what it is and have tried to stay positive... But when do you just say~ REALLY?!? And then I just add guilt to the list of symptoms because I do know that I am blessed and that there are plenty of people out there that struggle with illnesses and events in their lives that are much worse than what I have been going through. It is just hard to stay with your face to the light when the claws of pain and illness hold you in the dark. I have been trying to reach out to my spiritual side during this whole ordeal, to gain some perspective and strength through my faith. I truly believe that it has pulled me out of some very dark times... I just am not sure what this continued suffering is supposed to teach me? I had signed up for a retreat through my church on meditation and prayer as a means of physical and emotional healing and was really looking forward to it... but as has been the routine of my body, I was not well enough to attend. I have been in and out of the doctors office what feels like 100 times since January and I can not seem to find a place of peace. We had friends here visiting this past week which forced me to put on my "I feel fine" face and get out of the house... only to be sent back to the doctor after they left for pushing things too hard. The friend that was here is really into metaphysical science and wanted me to do a Tarot card reading with her. I don't really buy into the whole psychic thing but decided to go to please my company. Now although I know that what was said could generalized and applied to practically any gullible mind, what was said struck a chord with me. The cards pulled for me were ones of self abuse and blame, guilt, grief and literally being held down by "the dragons claws of sorrow".... The reading emphasized that I need to focus on the light in my life and not be brought down by my self blame and health hardships... that I am on the brink of a new adventure as long as I can break free of these claws of regret... There were other creepily accurate things but it made me think of what I am going through and how in the world I am supposed to make it to the other side without anger or deep regret. I am mentally ready for the acceptance portion of grief but my body will not allow it... how did those of you that have been through deep grief or physical struggles pull past it all and get to a place of health and peace? When you feel bad every day for 4 months, how do you pick yourself up and participate in life again? really... I am asking....

Sea Glass

I wrote this for a friend of mine a few years ago and ran across it today... interesting my perspective on pain in the lives of people close to me and how fitting it is for me today...

Sea glass originates as an ordinary bottle or jar tossed overboard into the ocean where it breaks into pieces and tumbles around. A piece of broken glass undergoes a dramatic transformation on its journey to become sea glass. Once sharp, the shard's edges gradually smooth by tumbling against rock and sand, making each piece unique and different. When spotted on the shoreline, a water-drenched piece of sea glass stands out like a shiny, glistening jewel. This precious treasure would never have the character, shine and irreplaceable qualities that it now possesses without the constant toss of the waves and the harsh rocks and sand.
Like the sea glass so harshly formed, so are you a precious treasure. Without the abandonment of being thrown overboard you may always have been ordinary, without the breaking of you into pieces, you may always have been simply fashioned. Without the overwhelming waves you may still have your sharp edges and without the pain of sand, you may not glitter as you do. Keep strong cherished friend and display your beautiful scars with pride, for you are all the more beautiful because of them.

Your Hands

I know that I have shared this video a few times... the first time was last year when I was experiencing death through my family... and now with my Jude's passing it has even more meaning for me. There are so many unanswered prayers that I have. I know that they aren't actually unanswered, it is just that I do not see my path yet... I don't know the purpose of these life lessons. I am trying to open my eyes to what this is supposed to teach me, the person I should become because of this. The worst thing of all would be to let this lesson pass me by and not give Jude the credit for existing and touching my heart. I saw a quote somewhere that said something like- I never got to hold you but I will always know your soul...
I am so thankful for my mom right now. She experienced a still birth when I was younger and I knew the pain was deep then. Our family shares so much and we talk of our sister Talitha frequently. She would be 26 now. But there is no way to know how deep the grief runs until it is your body, your emotions, your fight. It is so great to have mom support with the actual comprehension of the hurt. I don't know what I would do without the ability to call her and just talk... a lot.... over and over about how I'm feeling.
I have so many good friends that have supported me and loved me through this time. I feel so grateful for each person that has touched my life and given me perspective. People from places that I would never expect have reached out and it is comforting to see LOVE in so many ways. I am healing. My body feels more like the one I once knew, my heart's roller coaster is not as drastic and my tears are less heaving... it is good to feel each step of this process... it helps me remember it and chart it in my heart's empathy for others.
Through this process I have found it hard to form the words of prayer, for whatever reason that was too painful for me. The only prayer I could muster was the vision of God holding me, comforting me as his child. Maybe that is why this song speaks so vividly to my heart.

when my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.

letting go

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." ~Flavia Weedn

Our little one is gone... it fought so hard but just couldn't keep up with the demands of this earth. I am comforted that our first child will never have to suffer or worry and that we will reunited someday. I had a D&C surgery yesterday that was painful physically and emotionally and even though I am feeling like an empty, painful shell of a person... I am grateful for some closure and to know that I can give myself permission to start truly grieving and healing.
I know that I would not be holding it together without the prayers for strength and support from my friends and family, so thank you all...
Hopefully after the pain eases, I will start to feel like myself again.
Goodbye for now my little fighter, your mommy and daddy loved you when you were just a flicker and we will love you and remember you always.

heartbreak

"Every human life is a story told by God"....

This story I thought would be exciting and full of life, a new story to add to our family chronicle and one that would be full of laughter and so much love. But God's stories aren't always long, they aren't always joyful from beginning to end and most importantly, no matter how much we wish it so, aren't written by us.

In December Mike and I found out that we are pregnant. We were all the things first timers should be- scared, excited, nervous, HAPPY. We have known we wanted to be parents for awhile now and were just waiting for God to decide we were ready. I didn't want to tell many people. It felt like this private keepsake just for us that I wanted to protect from the whole world for as long as I could. Over Christmas we told our parents and siblings but that was it.
School presented many obstacles because I (of course) tested in the 5% of people that have no immunity to some of the diseases that my students carry. These diseases are life threatening to a fetus and at can cause many physical and mental challenges for them. I had to change everything about the way that I do my job which was heartbreaking. I love my students and it was a strange concept to put my own needs (well rather, the baby's needs) before theirs. I changed everything around me and for once, was kind to my body and was allowed to be sleepy, hungry or sick. It felt happy to focus on this little life and doing the best things I could for it...
We went in for our 10 week check up and to hear the heart beat for the first time. Only, there wasn't one... there wasn't even a baby even though we had seen one two weeks before. I don't even remember the conversation between the doctor and us.... something about blighted ovum, something about not sure why and something something miscarriage... I felt like the world just ripped out from under me. My naive bliss came crashing in as I realized that the next 9 months I had already planted in my heart was now just gone... how could it just be gone? I still felt pregnant, my belly pokes out just a little, I am sore and nauseous and tired... why doesn't my body know there is nothing there?
The doctor wasn't sure why my body wasn't responding but sent us home to wait a week, A WEEK! to see if my body would recognize it and start the process... and if not, we would schedule another ultrasound and a D&C. We grieved our little baby... I stayed home from work and my mom came to be with us. We read about blighted ovums and understood that it meant that the baby had just simply stopped developing after the last ultrasound and that my body may have absorbed it. After the longest and most painful week of my life, my body still didn't get the message and so we went in for the ultrasound.... and there on the screen WAS A BABY! clear as day... and I thought I might fall off the table. Where was it last week? In place of a gaping black hole there was a baby with a head and a body... and a heartbeat...
As I really looked at the heartbeat however, I knew that something was wrong. It was extremely slow and labored. The poor little thing looked like it was just struggling so hard at each pump. A normal fetal heart rate can range from about 100 (low) to 160 or so. Our little fighter was reading at 49... very bad. The doctor explained that anything below 100 is very worrisome. Anything below 70 is 100% fetal demise... demise... So all of the grief and all of the shock came in waves all over again, the tiny bit of hope dangled in front of us with the caveat that we had to give it back....
Strangely, I found some peace during the ultrasound. I felt GRATEFUL... ? I had already come to terms that the baby was gone and now I got to see it, to see it alive and with a heart beat, probably for the last time. I got a picture to hold next to my heart and remind me that it was real.
This was last Wednesday. We are still waiting. We will go back in again this Wed. for another ultrasound to see if the heart has stopped...
I am heartbroken, empty inside. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I am at peace. I know that God has a plan and that I must trust that he will watch over me and hold me and that I will hold this little one when I go home to my Father...
But how do you go back to life? How do I just pretend that my life didn't change? How do I make it through Aug. withOUT a baby? I am not sure of anything right now but grief.

All Things Holiday....

This has been a fun holiday season for Mike and I as this is the first one in our own house, doing all the things we have always looked forward to doing as a family. We opted to do Thanksgiving by ourselves this year given my short time off of work and the lovely (very snowy) Colorado weather. We wanted a time to just be together, hone our cooking skills before the whole gang gets here for Christmas and to reflect on how truly thankful we are to have one another during this season. Last year was such a hard holiday season and we wanted to spend some time being grateful for one more year together and praying for our family members that were lost just one year ago. This time of year will forever be tender in my heart...
Thanksgiving was wonderful and my food turned out really well! I was so excited to have things really taste good as I am still learning how to cook from scratch and make things as natural as possible. The rosemary turkey with bay leaf and onion was amazing and I will do it again for Christmas and my (not so natural but very tasty and easy) pumpkin pie cheesecake was delicious.
I am a big advocate for NOT starting the Christmas celebrations until after Thanksgiving is OVER! I love Turkey Day so much and a lot of its thunder is stolen by premature Christmas celebrations. That being said, once Thanksgiving is done, I am in full speed Christmas mode. I have been wanting the Willow Tree nativity set for a few years now. I love its simplicity and humble stillness that I think is exactly what the nativity represents. Mike surprised me by getting me the basic set as we were out shopping as a way to build on it each year. It is my favorite thing in our home and it takes center stage on our mantle. We had a lovely weekend just shopping, cooking, laughing and decorating... I am so lucky to have someone I love so much and have so much fun with. We also wanted to continue our tradition of going out to cut down our own tree. As we didn't really celebrate the holidays last year, this was our first opportunity to do it here in CO... hahaha what a difference! Colorado tree farms are just someone's land that you walk out and see if you can find a bush that somewhat resembles a tree. It was hilarious! We finally gave in and went to a nursery for ours and it turned out beautifully. Mike worked extremely hard putting up our outside lights this year and I am really proud of him as they turned out really well! So here are the pictures of our holiday adventures- we have had a few really lovely weekends together getting our cute little house in the Christmas spirit. Happy Holidays everyone!

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Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad...... WEEK

So, if you are having an extra happy, super positive kind of week, warning, you may want to stop reading now because I am not and I would hate to spoil anyone else's mood....
That being said... THIS HAS BEEN A TERRIBLE WEEK. I know that it is only Wednesday but I am kinda counting the end of last week, the weekend and the beginning of this week as a cumulative "one week". I don't always like to vent on the blog because I feel that it is just a snapshot of my life and I hate for it to be negative or for people to see me as a generally unhappy person... because I am not. But in the interest of being genuinely true to what the "snapshot" of this shotty week might look like, this is just plain HONEST. My job is hard. You all know this. No need to drag you through last year to understand the workload. This year is better, I have a boss that listens and backs me. Even though I know no job is perfect... I am frustrated with the lack of ambition, accountability and work ethic that people can have. Maybe I was raised in a family that had an unspoken rule of responsibility, elbow grease and no whining.... but I am not sure what happened to people that just expect to do less because someone else will ultimately do it for them.... and we DO! Those of us that have a need to see the job get done, get it done. I have a couple of workers that are my aids in the classroom that are the laziest, cockiest and rudest people I may have ever come in contact with. I don't know if I would ever have the guts to challenge my boss in an unprofessional way, lie about work I have done and show up late every day without apology. I am not great at staff management as I really hate politics and confrontation but I had to go head-to-head with these two this week to ask them to just simply do their jobs. As a result, they both quit- in a "stomp my feet, roll my eyes, Im 17" way. I am actually relieved to have them gone but now have to go through the process of interviewing and training someone new. Now, the rest of the week has been horrible because I have this stomach bug that just wont kick and on my ONE outing out of the house to deliver PROMISED treats to my college class (aka accountability) I got pulled over, given my very FIRST TICKET EVER and now have to appear in court... super....
Coming away from this week I hope that I instill in my own children someday the character and accountability to finish the jobs you start, admit the mistakes you make, respect the people with more experience and work hard to get where you want to be by SHOWING them how valuable you are... never telling them.
Humility, tenacity and tact..... where has it gone??

But since I just complained for too long.... here are some things to be thankful for this terrible week
The school that I work in for backing me
my lovely husband for taking care of a very sick me
my family that made me take responsibility for myself even when it was embarrassing or hard

stump growing

This past weekend I was lucky enough to be able to get out of town with my favorite girls on the planet! My girlfriends from Boston had planned a girls weekend in Chicago and up until a few weeks ago, I didn't think that Mike and I could afford for me to go. However, with a little creativity and frequent flier miles, I scored a FREE ticket!! The trip was incredibly fast for me as I have no flexibility for days off. I flew into Chicago late Friday night and back Sunday morning... wheew- quite the whirlwind... but I am so glad that I had the opportunity to reconnect with these women. All 5 of us work in Deaf education and work(ed) at the Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Boston. These small things give us a lot in common and A LOT of very funny stories. It was great to be around people that already know me since I spend so much time here in Colorado trying to help people get to know me. These girls make me laugh, they support me but know when to tell me that I am being ridiculous and best of all, they fill up my emotional "bucket". All day long, all year long we give back to our students, our school, our peers and our families... we give and we give until sometimes we feel positively empty inside. It is nice to be around others that fill us up, that remind us of our humanity and who will actually TELL us why we are great and appreciated.
We ended up having a discussion about the book "The Giving Tree" and how each of us loved that book as kids.... then we started talking about the message that particular book expresses. Keep in mind that this was all (mostly) in fun as we laughed at ourselves, but we thought about how the tree gives and gives to the boy who keeps taking and taking. The tree literally gives up its whole self because she loved the boy so... and ends up being a stump. Even in the state that the stump is, when the boy needs more the stump gives him all she can by offering him a place to sit. Now, while this a great message of unconditional love and maybe the kind of love that only God or a parent can give... it started to bother us. We all LOVED this book but what kind of a message does this send? Give and give until you have nothing left and then give some more? I am all for unconditional love but there is a lot to say for a friend that loves us back, who fills us up, who helps us re-grow our stumps. I am thankful for these people in my life. Laughing so hard that you cry is the BEST fertilizer.
Who re-grows your stumps?? :o)

My girlies!

Bree and Eric finally were able to make it here for a visit!! Bree had only come once before since we moved here last Aug. but it was during the coldest week on record last December for Jonathan's funeral. I think she thought that this was the coldest place on Earth and it wasn't very convincing to get her to come back. Thankfully we have had a beautiful fall season and so the girls were able to come and experience some cooler weather, leaves changing and fall activities. I go and visit my sister all the time but having their whole family come to my house was a whole new experience. Mike and I are set in our ways, we keep the house just so, we have TV that we watch regularly and we are used to going to bed and waking up on our time table. For a couple that is considering getting into the "kid" game soon, we were pretty floored at the energy and lack of control there was when these three tornadoes got here. How do you handle basically just following little people around, making sure they aren't
1. writing on your walls with marker (which we failed at)
2. finding every dangerous thing that you never knew was dangerous until it is in their mouth or they are running away with it
3. The real and present danger of STAIRS EVERYWHERE IN MY HOME
4. And the fact that rugs under dining tables and play-dough on brand new upholstered chairs do NOT mix

I teach kids all day, every day. I understand the energy that it takes to keep them occupied and I change more diapers than anyone I know.... but doing that when you get home too?? How will I EVER adjust/survive/sleep/have a house that doesn't look like an episode of hoarders???

We had a fabulous time and I love my girlies more than anything... we went to the Cave of the Winds (which we got kicked out halfway through because of the screaming baby). We went to the zoo and the water park and carved pumpkins... so much fun and I am so totally exhausted...
:o)

Pigtails on the Run

My (second) cousin Gracie is 3 years old and has Downs. Last weekend the fam came together to support her and the association here that supports families who have children with Downs. We got t-shirts for our team "pigtails on the run" and went as a large group to the Rockies/Giants game and then onto the walk the next day. It was a great time of family togetherness and supporting our special little gal. I couldn't help but think of the sadness that surrounded us when we found out that Gracie had downs during Megan's pregnancy... and now to have this sweet, smart, special little soul teaching us all about acceptance, triumph and love through anything reminds me that God knows what is best for us. We all have lessons to learn in life and this is one that will always remind me that just when you think you can't, your toughest challenges become your most treasured memories. Thank you miss Gracie for teaching us all that we don't even know how much love and strength we have, only God knows that. Love you Gracie Girl!!

and into fall...

I get progressively worse at posting blogs once I start the school year. This probably has something to do with the 10 children and many needy staff members that my time is devoted to. However.... I am THRILLED to say that I have made it through an entire month and a half without major incident, panic attack, migraine or illness. For those of you who know me well, this is a feat beyond measure. I was so worried that school would steal away my sense of peace found over the summer... and it has in the sense that I have IEPs, parent meetings, screaming kids and lots of poopy diapers... but I feel that I have the ability to detach at the end of the day, come home and feel content. What a blessing this on my life and mike's life. We got to go to Boston last weekend and celebrate our good friends Marty and Jamie's wedding and for the first time in 5 years I was able to let go of the work I was missing and just be present in their special time.



I credit this new-found control to a few different things... almost losing my mind last year and committing to protecting myself from that, my lovely family and friends for saying (over and over and over) that what I do is good enough and I need to save some of myself for my home life too, and to a renewed relationship with God... not that it actually went away but it is true what they say about not being able to have two masters. I allowed my job to master ME last year instead of doing my job through serving God. I am working on remedying this now and trying to refocus my everything. Thanks to all of you that offered me kind, supportive words and believed that I was better than I thought I was.
Yay for Fall, beautiful weather and a peaceful spirit.

best. summer. ever.

At the start of my summer this year I had so many plans... to rejuvenate, get healthy and do things for me. I put a lot of effort into going to the gym and working on projects around the house. I changed many of my eating habits and just the way I look at food. I succeeded in losing almost 10 lbs which made me feel so much better... I feel like purged my body of so many toxins and stressors. I got in shape enough to be working out 6 days a week- biking, running and lifting weights. I worked on two major projects at the house. I put in a small garden out back and renovated the dining room and 1/2 bath. After a month of just focusing on me and feeling like a new person, it was time to have some fun.... now, the backlash of this decision is that my diet went out the window as did my workout routine but I felt like I deserved some serious FUN and I feel like I can get right back into my strict lifestyle now that I am back home. I went to Page for some time at my favorite place on earth- Lake Powell. We went out on the boat every day, saw my family and had some great cookouts. Bree brought the girls up for a few days and I got to spend time with them. Little Mikinzie is getting so big and adorable- I just loved her and her sassiness!! We went on a whim to the Grand Canyon and camped in the Kiabab. Camping with my family might be my favorite thing of all time. Nothing better than laughing so hard that you cry while playing cards near a campfire. Good for my soul.
I also went on a Kayaking trip with the girls in my family. Can I just say that my family rocks... I know that sounds weird but the guys in my family are so cool with their guitar skills, outdoorsman-ness, always laid back attitude and all around awesomeness.... but the girls in our family are outstanding. Not only can they do all that the guys do (with a baby on their hip) but they do it looking fabulous! I was invited on the girls kayak trip down the Colorado river and was pretty nervous about it. These girls rock and are pretty hard core when it comes to roughing it. I thought I would be the baby and hold them back... but in the spirit of doing things for me and finding my inner strength this summer, I not only agreed to the trip but I decided to do the two day trip instead of stopping after one like some of the others. This meant camping out on the river- no tents, just on the sand under the stars- 2 days outside wind, rain or shine....
My experience on this trip was life changing. I know.... sounds crazy but it pushed me to limits that I wasn't sure I could handle. It pushed my body to kayak down the river, it pushed my spirit to put up with the elements even after some ravens stole all of our food, it rained and stormed on us and almost capsized us and it pushed my limits that I set for myself... it was a wake up call to what I am capable of... what my body allows me to do and that I can do it while having the best time of my life. I want to call upon that person later on this year when life seems to take over. I want to tell that stressed out girl- YOU are strong, YOU are capable and work is not who YOU are.... I have the ability to do more than I ever thought... and that feels amazing.
The end of the summer brought friends here to the springs, a housewarming party and lots of love surrounding us in our home. It was amazing for me to look at the people in our house and think- one year ago I didn't know any of you... I guess even in the midst of all of my craziness, friendships bloomed and amazing people came out of the woodwork. I am so thankful for this summer... It makes me emotional as the school year is about to begin. I feel so lucky to have had the time to explore myself, to realize my worth and to have an absolute kick ass time doing it! Here's to a better year, a better me and pushing ourselves to our absolute LIMITS in order to see who we might become!

Here are some highlights of my BEST. SUMMER. EVER.

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