Wow... it has been quite a while since I last posted on here.... We have been busy the past few months and I just now feel like I am settling into the summer routine that I know and love! I finished up my second year at CSDB much happier than the previous year. I feel like I was able to settle into my position and truly TEACH this year, which was awesome. I sent 6 little graduates on up to kinder, including my Deaf/Blind child that I have learned so much from the past few years. I am sad to see them all go but am ready for the challenges that await me next year. My health issues are still knocking at my door here and there... but they seem to be subsiding and my body appears to be resembling its old self. I guess when monumental things happen to you, you can't expect them to return to normal overnight... patience has been key. I have been working off of the mantra "I am doing the best I can do for TODAY". As simple as this statement sounds, it has been very helpful in getting me through the day to day. The days I feel tired or grumpy, the days that pose more challenges than I expected and mostly for the days that *gasp* didn't go exactly as I had planned. Some days I am able to do more than others, and for the "others", well I just repeat that mantra and try to excuse myself for not being super-human. I am trying to let go of the control that I (ridiculously) try to hold onto in my life's path... I know in my rational brain that in reality, I have no control and simply need to roll with Gods punches... or small taps. Being someone who is prone to anal perfectionism, this is horribly difficult... and therefor, probably exactly why this challenge is present in my life. I need to learn to let go... seriously. Any tips on taking on life with this attitude and grace, please advise this overbearing and overly wired brain...
Otherwise we are just busy with family, family and MORE FAMILY! We went to Phoenix to visit the crazy that is my sisters family, to Page because that is required of summertime and then Mike's family came to help us re-sod and spruce up the yard. Summer is just getting started and already we are trying to pack every ounce of functionality and fun into it... can't complain about that.
So here's to a great season of letting go, loosening up and returning to my place of sanity. Applications for mentor/life coach are now being accepted :o)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Enough is enough
How people are seriously ill and manage to get through life, I will never know. My body just does not want to heal from all the trauma in the past 2 months and complication after complication continues to arise... I have been trying to put on the face of "it will get better" and "trust in God's path for you". I really have. I feel like I have taken each set-back for what it is and have tried to stay positive... But when do you just say~ REALLY?!? And then I just add guilt to the list of symptoms because I do know that I am blessed and that there are plenty of people out there that struggle with illnesses and events in their lives that are much worse than what I have been going through. It is just hard to stay with your face to the light when the claws of pain and illness hold you in the dark. I have been trying to reach out to my spiritual side during this whole ordeal, to gain some perspective and strength through my faith. I truly believe that it has pulled me out of some very dark times... I just am not sure what this continued suffering is supposed to teach me? I had signed up for a retreat through my church on meditation and prayer as a means of physical and emotional healing and was really looking forward to it... but as has been the routine of my body, I was not well enough to attend. I have been in and out of the doctors office what feels like 100 times since January and I can not seem to find a place of peace. We had friends here visiting this past week which forced me to put on my "I feel fine" face and get out of the house... only to be sent back to the doctor after they left for pushing things too hard. The friend that was here is really into metaphysical science and wanted me to do a Tarot card reading with her. I don't really buy into the whole psychic thing but decided to go to please my company. Now although I know that what was said could generalized and applied to practically any gullible mind, what was said struck a chord with me. The cards pulled for me were ones of self abuse and blame, guilt, grief and literally being held down by "the dragons claws of sorrow".... The reading emphasized that I need to focus on the light in my life and not be brought down by my self blame and health hardships... that I am on the brink of a new adventure as long as I can break free of these claws of regret... There were other creepily accurate things but it made me think of what I am going through and how in the world I am supposed to make it to the other side without anger or deep regret. I am mentally ready for the acceptance portion of grief but my body will not allow it... how did those of you that have been through deep grief or physical struggles pull past it all and get to a place of health and peace? When you feel bad every day for 4 months, how do you pick yourself up and participate in life again? really... I am asking....
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sea Glass
I wrote this for a friend of mine a few years ago and ran across it today... interesting my perspective on pain in the lives of people close to me and how fitting it is for me today...
Sea glass originates as an ordinary bottle or jar tossed overboard into the ocean where it breaks into pieces and tumbles around. A piece of broken glass undergoes a dramatic transformation on its journey to become sea glass. Once sharp, the shard's edges gradually smooth by tumbling against rock and sand, making each piece unique and different. When spotted on the shoreline, a water-drenched piece of sea glass stands out like a shiny, glistening jewel. This precious treasure would never have the character, shine and irreplaceable qualities that it now possesses without the constant toss of the waves and the harsh rocks and sand.
Like the sea glass so harshly formed, so are you a precious treasure. Without the abandonment of being thrown overboard you may always have been ordinary, without the breaking of you into pieces, you may always have been simply fashioned. Without the overwhelming waves you may still have your sharp edges and without the pain of sand, you may not glitter as you do. Keep strong cherished friend and display your beautiful scars with pride, for you are all the more beautiful because of them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Your Hands
I know that I have shared this video a few times... the first time was last year when I was experiencing death through my family... and now with my Jude's passing it has even more meaning for me. There are so many unanswered prayers that I have. I know that they aren't actually unanswered, it is just that I do not see my path yet... I don't know the purpose of these life lessons. I am trying to open my eyes to what this is supposed to teach me, the person I should become because of this. The worst thing of all would be to let this lesson pass me by and not give Jude the credit for existing and touching my heart. I saw a quote somewhere that said something like- I never got to hold you but I will always know your soul...
I am so thankful for my mom right now. She experienced a still birth when I was younger and I knew the pain was deep then. Our family shares so much and we talk of our sister Talitha frequently. She would be 26 now. But there is no way to know how deep the grief runs until it is your body, your emotions, your fight. It is so great to have mom support with the actual comprehension of the hurt. I don't know what I would do without the ability to call her and just talk... a lot.... over and over about how I'm feeling.
I have so many good friends that have supported me and loved me through this time. I feel so grateful for each person that has touched my life and given me perspective. People from places that I would never expect have reached out and it is comforting to see LOVE in so many ways. I am healing. My body feels more like the one I once knew, my heart's roller coaster is not as drastic and my tears are less heaving... it is good to feel each step of this process... it helps me remember it and chart it in my heart's empathy for others.
Through this process I have found it hard to form the words of prayer, for whatever reason that was too painful for me. The only prayer I could muster was the vision of God holding me, comforting me as his child. Maybe that is why this song speaks so vividly to my heart.
when my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
letting go
"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." ~Flavia Weedn
Our little one is gone... it fought so hard but just couldn't keep up with the demands of this earth. I am comforted that our first child will never have to suffer or worry and that we will reunited someday. I had a D&C surgery yesterday that was painful physically and emotionally and even though I am feeling like an empty, painful shell of a person... I am grateful for some closure and to know that I can give myself permission to start truly grieving and healing.
I know that I would not be holding it together without the prayers for strength and support from my friends and family, so thank you all...
Hopefully after the pain eases, I will start to feel like myself again.
Goodbye for now my little fighter, your mommy and daddy loved you when you were just a flicker and we will love you and remember you always.
Our little one is gone... it fought so hard but just couldn't keep up with the demands of this earth. I am comforted that our first child will never have to suffer or worry and that we will reunited someday. I had a D&C surgery yesterday that was painful physically and emotionally and even though I am feeling like an empty, painful shell of a person... I am grateful for some closure and to know that I can give myself permission to start truly grieving and healing.
I know that I would not be holding it together without the prayers for strength and support from my friends and family, so thank you all...
Hopefully after the pain eases, I will start to feel like myself again.
Goodbye for now my little fighter, your mommy and daddy loved you when you were just a flicker and we will love you and remember you always.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
heartbreak
"Every human life is a story told by God"....
This story I thought would be exciting and full of life, a new story to add to our family chronicle and one that would be full of laughter and so much love. But God's stories aren't always long, they aren't always joyful from beginning to end and most importantly, no matter how much we wish it so, aren't written by us.
In December Mike and I found out that we are pregnant. We were all the things first timers should be- scared, excited, nervous, HAPPY. We have known we wanted to be parents for awhile now and were just waiting for God to decide we were ready. I didn't want to tell many people. It felt like this private keepsake just for us that I wanted to protect from the whole world for as long as I could. Over Christmas we told our parents and siblings but that was it.
School presented many obstacles because I (of course) tested in the 5% of people that have no immunity to some of the diseases that my students carry. These diseases are life threatening to a fetus and at can cause many physical and mental challenges for them. I had to change everything about the way that I do my job which was heartbreaking. I love my students and it was a strange concept to put my own needs (well rather, the baby's needs) before theirs. I changed everything around me and for once, was kind to my body and was allowed to be sleepy, hungry or sick. It felt happy to focus on this little life and doing the best things I could for it...
We went in for our 10 week check up and to hear the heart beat for the first time. Only, there wasn't one... there wasn't even a baby even though we had seen one two weeks before. I don't even remember the conversation between the doctor and us.... something about blighted ovum, something about not sure why and something something miscarriage... I felt like the world just ripped out from under me. My naive bliss came crashing in as I realized that the next 9 months I had already planted in my heart was now just gone... how could it just be gone? I still felt pregnant, my belly pokes out just a little, I am sore and nauseous and tired... why doesn't my body know there is nothing there?
The doctor wasn't sure why my body wasn't responding but sent us home to wait a week, A WEEK! to see if my body would recognize it and start the process... and if not, we would schedule another ultrasound and a D&C. We grieved our little baby... I stayed home from work and my mom came to be with us. We read about blighted ovums and understood that it meant that the baby had just simply stopped developing after the last ultrasound and that my body may have absorbed it. After the longest and most painful week of my life, my body still didn't get the message and so we went in for the ultrasound.... and there on the screen WAS A BABY! clear as day... and I thought I might fall off the table. Where was it last week? In place of a gaping black hole there was a baby with a head and a body... and a heartbeat...
As I really looked at the heartbeat however, I knew that something was wrong. It was extremely slow and labored. The poor little thing looked like it was just struggling so hard at each pump. A normal fetal heart rate can range from about 100 (low) to 160 or so. Our little fighter was reading at 49... very bad. The doctor explained that anything below 100 is very worrisome. Anything below 70 is 100% fetal demise... demise... So all of the grief and all of the shock came in waves all over again, the tiny bit of hope dangled in front of us with the caveat that we had to give it back....
Strangely, I found some peace during the ultrasound. I felt GRATEFUL... ? I had already come to terms that the baby was gone and now I got to see it, to see it alive and with a heart beat, probably for the last time. I got a picture to hold next to my heart and remind me that it was real.
This was last Wednesday. We are still waiting. We will go back in again this Wed. for another ultrasound to see if the heart has stopped...
I am heartbroken, empty inside. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I am at peace. I know that God has a plan and that I must trust that he will watch over me and hold me and that I will hold this little one when I go home to my Father...
But how do you go back to life? How do I just pretend that my life didn't change? How do I make it through Aug. withOUT a baby? I am not sure of anything right now but grief.
This story I thought would be exciting and full of life, a new story to add to our family chronicle and one that would be full of laughter and so much love. But God's stories aren't always long, they aren't always joyful from beginning to end and most importantly, no matter how much we wish it so, aren't written by us.
In December Mike and I found out that we are pregnant. We were all the things first timers should be- scared, excited, nervous, HAPPY. We have known we wanted to be parents for awhile now and were just waiting for God to decide we were ready. I didn't want to tell many people. It felt like this private keepsake just for us that I wanted to protect from the whole world for as long as I could. Over Christmas we told our parents and siblings but that was it.
School presented many obstacles because I (of course) tested in the 5% of people that have no immunity to some of the diseases that my students carry. These diseases are life threatening to a fetus and at can cause many physical and mental challenges for them. I had to change everything about the way that I do my job which was heartbreaking. I love my students and it was a strange concept to put my own needs (well rather, the baby's needs) before theirs. I changed everything around me and for once, was kind to my body and was allowed to be sleepy, hungry or sick. It felt happy to focus on this little life and doing the best things I could for it...
We went in for our 10 week check up and to hear the heart beat for the first time. Only, there wasn't one... there wasn't even a baby even though we had seen one two weeks before. I don't even remember the conversation between the doctor and us.... something about blighted ovum, something about not sure why and something something miscarriage... I felt like the world just ripped out from under me. My naive bliss came crashing in as I realized that the next 9 months I had already planted in my heart was now just gone... how could it just be gone? I still felt pregnant, my belly pokes out just a little, I am sore and nauseous and tired... why doesn't my body know there is nothing there?
The doctor wasn't sure why my body wasn't responding but sent us home to wait a week, A WEEK! to see if my body would recognize it and start the process... and if not, we would schedule another ultrasound and a D&C. We grieved our little baby... I stayed home from work and my mom came to be with us. We read about blighted ovums and understood that it meant that the baby had just simply stopped developing after the last ultrasound and that my body may have absorbed it. After the longest and most painful week of my life, my body still didn't get the message and so we went in for the ultrasound.... and there on the screen WAS A BABY! clear as day... and I thought I might fall off the table. Where was it last week? In place of a gaping black hole there was a baby with a head and a body... and a heartbeat...
As I really looked at the heartbeat however, I knew that something was wrong. It was extremely slow and labored. The poor little thing looked like it was just struggling so hard at each pump. A normal fetal heart rate can range from about 100 (low) to 160 or so. Our little fighter was reading at 49... very bad. The doctor explained that anything below 100 is very worrisome. Anything below 70 is 100% fetal demise... demise... So all of the grief and all of the shock came in waves all over again, the tiny bit of hope dangled in front of us with the caveat that we had to give it back....
Strangely, I found some peace during the ultrasound. I felt GRATEFUL... ? I had already come to terms that the baby was gone and now I got to see it, to see it alive and with a heart beat, probably for the last time. I got a picture to hold next to my heart and remind me that it was real.
This was last Wednesday. We are still waiting. We will go back in again this Wed. for another ultrasound to see if the heart has stopped...
I am heartbroken, empty inside. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I am at peace. I know that God has a plan and that I must trust that he will watch over me and hold me and that I will hold this little one when I go home to my Father...
But how do you go back to life? How do I just pretend that my life didn't change? How do I make it through Aug. withOUT a baby? I am not sure of anything right now but grief.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
All Things Holiday....
This has been a fun holiday season for Mike and I as this is the first one in our own house, doing all the things we have always looked forward to doing as a family. We opted to do Thanksgiving by ourselves this year given my short time off of work and the lovely (very snowy) Colorado weather. We wanted a time to just be together, hone our cooking skills before the whole gang gets here for Christmas and to reflect on how truly thankful we are to have one another during this season. Last year was such a hard holiday season and we wanted to spend some time being grateful for one more year together and praying for our family members that were lost just one year ago. This time of year will forever be tender in my heart...
Thanksgiving was wonderful and my food turned out really well! I was so excited to have things really taste good as I am still learning how to cook from scratch and make things as natural as possible. The rosemary turkey with bay leaf and onion was amazing and I will do it again for Christmas and my (not so natural but very tasty and easy) pumpkin pie cheesecake was delicious.
I am a big advocate for NOT starting the Christmas celebrations until after Thanksgiving is OVER! I love Turkey Day so much and a lot of its thunder is stolen by premature Christmas celebrations. That being said, once Thanksgiving is done, I am in full speed Christmas mode. I have been wanting the Willow Tree nativity set for a few years now. I love its simplicity and humble stillness that I think is exactly what the nativity represents. Mike surprised me by getting me the basic set as we were out shopping as a way to build on it each year. It is my favorite thing in our home and it takes center stage on our mantle. We had a lovely weekend just shopping, cooking, laughing and decorating... I am so lucky to have someone I love so much and have so much fun with. We also wanted to continue our tradition of going out to cut down our own tree. As we didn't really celebrate the holidays last year, this was our first opportunity to do it here in CO... hahaha what a difference! Colorado tree farms are just someone's land that you walk out and see if you can find a bush that somewhat resembles a tree. It was hilarious! We finally gave in and went to a nursery for ours and it turned out beautifully. Mike worked extremely hard putting up our outside lights this year and I am really proud of him as they turned out really well! So here are the pictures of our holiday adventures- we have had a few really lovely weekends together getting our cute little house in the Christmas spirit. Happy Holidays everyone!
Thanksgiving was wonderful and my food turned out really well! I was so excited to have things really taste good as I am still learning how to cook from scratch and make things as natural as possible. The rosemary turkey with bay leaf and onion was amazing and I will do it again for Christmas and my (not so natural but very tasty and easy) pumpkin pie cheesecake was delicious.
I am a big advocate for NOT starting the Christmas celebrations until after Thanksgiving is OVER! I love Turkey Day so much and a lot of its thunder is stolen by premature Christmas celebrations. That being said, once Thanksgiving is done, I am in full speed Christmas mode. I have been wanting the Willow Tree nativity set for a few years now. I love its simplicity and humble stillness that I think is exactly what the nativity represents. Mike surprised me by getting me the basic set as we were out shopping as a way to build on it each year. It is my favorite thing in our home and it takes center stage on our mantle. We had a lovely weekend just shopping, cooking, laughing and decorating... I am so lucky to have someone I love so much and have so much fun with. We also wanted to continue our tradition of going out to cut down our own tree. As we didn't really celebrate the holidays last year, this was our first opportunity to do it here in CO... hahaha what a difference! Colorado tree farms are just someone's land that you walk out and see if you can find a bush that somewhat resembles a tree. It was hilarious! We finally gave in and went to a nursery for ours and it turned out beautifully. Mike worked extremely hard putting up our outside lights this year and I am really proud of him as they turned out really well! So here are the pictures of our holiday adventures- we have had a few really lovely weekends together getting our cute little house in the Christmas spirit. Happy Holidays everyone!
 |
 |
| This free photo slideshow personalized with Smilebox |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)